Requests are about engaging in heart connection and collaboration in attempt to make life better for all involved.  When you are making requests from a constricted heart and a place of trying to avoid something, there’s a good chance you are actually attempting to gain control to meet your needs rather than collaborating with another.

Behind the strategy to control other’s behavior or the environment, you will often find lots fear and hurt.  Behind the fear and hurt you will often find self-criticism.  Jackals just below the conscious level may be saying you failed and you’re not good enough.

Another way you can monitor whether your control strategy is operating or not is how much you are focused on what others should be doing or not doing and just how wrong and bad they are.

When hurt, fear, and self-criticism reach a certain level, some part of you decides it is too much for you to experience and you start directing your attention outward.  You begin to criticize others and may attempt to control others and your environment.  Thoughts like, “If only she wouldn’t communicate like that, we wouldn’t have this problem.”  “If only he would …, things would go smoothly.”   You create a sort of hell for yourself believing that if only others would change you would be happy.  In this hell, you believe your thoughts that others aren’t considering you on purpose, that others are selfish, flaky, etc.

When making a true request you are centered in your heart, there may be hurt or sadness there and you are willing to feel it.  You take the time to reflect through journaling or meditation or asking someone to listen empathically.  You identify and detach from your jackals.  From this reflection, you gain clarity about what needs are really alive and what you know or guess meets those needs.  This self-connection and reflection informs your requests. 

Couples often ask when it is okay to make a request and how often one should or shouldn’t make a request of his or her partner.  It’s not about when or how often.  It’s about where the request is coming from.  When a request comes from your connection to yourself and honoring of your needs, it’s always time to make a request.

Unfortunately, all too often, couples aren’t able or willing to do the work of creating the connection until each can hear each other’s feelings and needs without a defended heart.  When requests are made without this connection, they can be hijacked on the speaker’s side by a strategy to control or a perception on the listener’s side that he or she is never enough.

If you are your partner are going back and forth about particular strategies or requests, check with your heart and see if you can find a way to let go of jackals.  Feel your hurt and longing, and ask for healing by creating a space for a dialogue that has only empathy going back and forth, with no talk of solutions or action requests.

Hearing Criticism from Others

 ”I’m rubber, you’re glue whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you!”

Do you remember this defensive playground taunt?

When name-calling or criticism come you’re way and some part of you literally believes their true, they stick and, of course, they hurt. When no part of you believes the criticism, they bounce off and you can hear that what the person is saying is really about their own feelings and needs.

At first when you receive an incoming jackal that sticks, you likely find yourself reacting. Either you turn your jackal ears in and agree about how bad or wrong you are or you turn your jackal ears out and say how bad or wrong the other person is.

Most people flip their ears in and out, feeling alternately, depressed - angry, depressed - angry, . . .

When you have any reaction (by reaction I mean a sudden clenching of the body, heart, and mind) at all to what someone is saying, the first thing to do is ask, “What am I telling myself? What am I making this mean?” Reactivity lets you know that a jackal show has begun in your mind. If you can get front row seats to this show, your chances of intervening are much higher.

Take the time to stop and watch your show rather than moving on to the next distraction, or even worse, starting to speak from your reactivity.  Whether you are at work or at home, take a timeout. Bathrooms are great places for timeouts.

During this timeout you call on your calm and nurturing inner parent to dialogue with your jackals. Here’s an example of a dialogue I recently had with a jackal of mine that was stimulated by a conversation with someone I respect.

Jackal: You’re worthless.

My inner parent: I’m guessing you’re scared jackal.

Jackal: Yes. (already with this single line of empathy I could feel my body start to relax).

My inner parent: I’m guessing you think it will somehow be helpful if I believe what you say. How do you think it will be helpful?

Jackal: If you believe me, then you will shut down, get depressed, and not take any risks and then we will be safe.

My inner parent: Yea, so you want to be safe from hurt.

Jackal: That’s right.

My inner parent: Jackal, what we both know is that depression is actually more painful than any hurt I could experience in my relationships. Do you remember all the pain we’ve experienced in the past with depression?
I want you to know I am committed to keeping us safe. I do this by paying attention to our inner experience through mindfulness, meditation, journaling, and talking with others.

And I consistently take the time to care for it like I am doing right now with you.  I am meeting a need for safety by taking a time-out when I hear something hurts so that I can respond to it in a way that works.

This dialogue effectively dissolved this jackal. This was the alpha jackal of a pack that showed up together. So I had several dialogues of this sort, one after the other, addressing each jackal in turn.

Let’s sum up the key elements in responding to jackals that stick.

1. Notice when you’re reacting.
   1. Know the signs and symptoms of reaction in your body -  Anger and shut down are the most common indicators
2. Choose to take a timeout from the interaction.
3. Get front row seats at your jackal show (Ask: “What am I telling myself?”).
4. Access your calm and nurturing inner parent.
5. Engage the jackals in a dialogue one by one. This dialogue includes:
   1. Guess the feelings and needs of your jackals
   2. Ground your jackals in what you know is true, (eg. depression won’t make us safe from hurt).
   3. Let your jackals know the concrete strategies you are engaging in to meet the needs they are concerned about.

This week give yourself at least one timeout when you notice reactivity.  During the timeout, follow the steps outlined above.

Couples, there is one space left in the upcoming couples series.  Check it out on my website.

You are motivated to have the healthiest relationship you can with your partner. Your commitment to your own transformation and growth contributes to a strong foundation for your relationship.  However, sometimes this goes astray and your personal work gets mixed up with your partner’s personal work.

In your enthusiasm you might unconsciously assign yourself as your partner’s life coach, therapist, or self-improvement director.  You find yourself giving advice about how he or she could do better self-care.  You hear yourself frequently giving feedback about how he or she could have handled some situation in a more conscious way.

If this is happening, you might hear your partner saying one or more of the following:

“I’m never enough for you.”

“I can’t be myself with you.”

“You don’t accept me.”

“You’re always judging me.”

“You don’t think I know how to take care of myself.”

“You don’t trust me.”

“You’re always raising the bar in our relationship and not telling me you’ve set some new standard.”

“I have to do everything your way.”

“I’m not good enough for you.”

“You’re more evolved than I am.”

Anxiety is often behind your attempts to coach or counsel your partner.  Anxiety tends to lead to a frantic mind that looks externally for relief.  Anxiety often gives rise to thoughts like “if only my partner would… then things would be better.”

When you find yourself thinking about how your partner should have done this or that or could be doing more self-improvement, take a breath and notice if you feel anxiety.  Sometimes it’s subtle and hanging in the background.  Sometimes it’s so constant you have stopped noticing it. 

Take a deep breath and just let yourself notice.  Unnoticed anxiety continuously gives you the message that something is wrong and you should do something different.  When you stop and just observe anxiety you can consciously notice if there really is anything wrong or anything you need to do differently.

If there really is something you want to tend to, start with yourself.  As you go over a situation in your mind or in your journal start by asking what you would have liked to do differently had you been more aware at the time.  Formulate a do-able request for yourself regarding the needs in the situation. 

Then ask yourself if more needs could be met by checking in with your partner’s experience of the situation and sharing your own.  From a vulnerable and shared connection with your partner you may have some specific request of him or her to better meet your needs.  This is very different from offering advice or feedback.  You are taking responsibility for yourself and your needs rather than directing your partner’s growth.

This week each time you have the impulse to give advice or feedback to your partner challenge yourself to instead share what you learned and want to do differently regarding that situation. If you are worried about your partner’s well-being, express your caring rather than giving advice or directives.

 Trapped in Reactive Thinking

One of my favorite bumper stickers reads, “Mean People are Suffering”.  It reminds me that there is no such thing as a “mean” person, just someone who is in pain and confused about how to get relief.  All thinking and behavior is a reflection of the heart.  Unfortunately it is often difficult to realize the connection between the two. 

Last week I was hiking in Yosemite with my partner and his father.  My partner said something that triggered hurt in me.  Instantaneously my thoughts moved to defense, judgment of him and his action, and justification.  It swirled among these three for several minutes fabricating arguments about why he shouldn’t have said what he did and all the ways I didn’t deserve such an “attack”.  Then for a few more minutes I switched to analysis about why he had said it, how he was being reactive because of such and such. 

This kind of thinking can be seductive.  I am guessing you have found yourself believing that it’s important to express these thoughts.  You may be seduced by the dramatic content of your thoughts.  This is the trap that can keep you stuck in reactivity.  Whatever the courtroom might say about the relative truth of your thoughts is irrelevant if you want to get back to your heart.  The usefulness in these thoughts is NOT the content.  The usefulness is in that they point to something important happening in your heart, usually hurt.

Meditation and mindfulness practice help you to create more awareness of this and greater ability to let yourself feel the hurt that’s there.  You can start mindfulness practice with this by noticing any time you start to think or express judgment, criticism, or analysis of yourself or others or make a case about why someone is right or wrong.  Then ask yourself, “Thinking or expressing this, do I feel better?  Am I more relaxed, happier, connected, etc.?” 

Mindfully experiencing the truth of where this kind of thinking leaves you, you naturally wake up from the reactive trance they create.  You make space to feel what’s there and naturally return to your heart.  Settled in your heart your perspective widens and wisdom arises.

When you and your partner find that you are exchanging explanations of how things are or should be you know you are still in the trance of reactivity.  This is the road to nowhere.  Call a timeout.  Get the feelings and needs sheet or agree to come back to it later.

For this week take on the simple mindfulness practice of noticing your judging, explaining, and justifying thinking or talk and ask the question, “Do I feel happier, more relaxed, or more connected as I think or express this?”

There is still time to sign up for the Couples Two Hour Intro.  See details below.

Before I understood what I was allergic to and changed my diet, I had painful body symptoms of various sorts pretty consistently.  At times I found myself in shame about this tried to hide my symptoms from my partner.  I didn’t want him to see me as a sickly person or think I was a burden.  Of course, trying to hide my symptoms only created more difficulty for us. 

There are lots of reasons you might hide from your partner.  You may want him or her to see you a certain way.  You may think that hiding will allow for more harmony or fun.  You may worry that your partner will take on your difficulty and get overwhelmed and then resentful.  You may have a belief that you can only be loved if you act a certain way.

Whatever the reason, hiding can only diminish your connection.  It interrupts the flow between you and your partner. A connection based on pretense is fragile and unsatisfying.

Over and over I have witnessed that when something difficult is responsibly expressed the heaviness around it dissolves.  What seems huge when held inside becomes smaller and less dramatic when expressed.

How to have a sense of responsibility in what you express is the key here.  Part of cultivating a NVC consciousness is becoming aware of your motivations (that is, what need you are hoping to meet) in what you say and do.  When it is difficult to share your experience with your partner you can make it easier on both of you by getting clear about your purpose for sharing.

For example, when I was sick I learned to share my symptoms by expressing my purpose like this, “I am not making any requests for you to do anything different or to change what’s happening, I just want to let you know where I’m at.  My head is hurting and my energy is low.”  Your partner can sense when you are struggling with something.  Expressing your experience clearly allows your partner to have relief from the guessing game of “What’s wrong?  Did I do something to upset you?”  You may also get some relief from shame jackals who say who shouldn’t be experiencing what you’re experiencing.

Noticing reactivity arising is a particularly useful arena in which to express clearly.  Hiding reactivity tends to feed it.  (Simply noticing reactivity and choosing not to express it because you are staying connected despite it is much different from hiding).  Letting your partner know some reactivity has come as soon as you notice it helps in at least two important ways. 

One, when you name a reactive pattern for what it is you stop identifying with it and are less likely to be swept away in it.  Two, when your partner hears you name reactivity and express your purpose in doing so, s/he gets a greater sense of trust or safety seeing that you are consciously working to stay connected.

You might say something like this, “I want to hear you and I notice I am starting to react.  Give me a moment to take a breath and get re-centered.”  In that moment you engage in the strategies you have to dis-identify from reactivity and connect with your heart (see archive articles on reactivity if you need some reminders here). 

For now take a moment to reflect on the last few days and notice if there is something you have been hiding out of fear or shame.  If you choose to express this to your partner, what is your request.  Are asking for empathy?  Are just offering an update about your world to help the two of you stay connected?  Are you looking for perspective or clarity about a particular issue?  For example, maybe you need some clarity about how your partner sees you, some reassurance that s/he knows that you are not your difficulties.

This week, challenge yourself to come forward when you have the impulse to hide.  Express your experience and your intention for sharing it (i.e., your request).

There’s a date change to the start of the class series.  Click on the link below to check it out.

One of the easiest ways to create a sense of harmony and partnership in your relationship is to make specific and do-able requests to meet your needs.  When you take responsibility for yourself by asking for what you need, you avoid two big pitfalls in relationship. 

One, you’re less likely to play a silent guessing game with your partner and then resent each other later because the guesses weren’t accurate. 

Two, you become interdependent rather co-dependent.  In a co-dependent relationship you have a sense of obligation and assume responsibility for each other’s feelings and needs in an unspoken and often unconscious way.  In an interdependent relationship you choose from your heart to contribute to your partner’s well being based on clarity about what truly is a contribution.

Though you may clearly intend to create an interdependent relationship, making specific requests to have your needs met can be a scary thing.  You and your partner may both have grown up learning that it is selfish to have needs much less make requests about them.  Even more difficult is the possibility of hearing “no” and thinking it’s a form of personal rejection.

Here’s a few ways you can make it safe to make requests in your relationship.

1.  Check In.  Create the habit of checking in frequently with each other throughout the day.  Each transition is a prime time to ask, “What needs are up for you?  Do you have any requests?”  This is also a good question to ask when planning trips and making big decisions.  My partner and I often revisit decisions and plans several times to discern what needs we hope to meet and if the decision or plan is in alignment with them.

2.  Affirm the request and ask more about it.  Checking in will get easier and easier if you take time to affirm what you hear your partner asking for before you answer.  For example, imagine your partner asks if you would like to go for a walk after dinner, pause to connect with the need behind the request before you respond.  You may have been running around all day and that last thing you want to do is go for a walk.  You may feel a surge of tiredness and overwhelm.  Take a breath.  Don’t answer your partner from your overwhelm.  Remind yourself that you always get to choose for yourself. 

For just a moment set your reaction aside and really hear your partner.  You can affirm that you enjoy the fact that your partner is reaching out just by repeating the request, “a walk after dinner, huh.”  If your partner didn’t say the need connected to the request you can make a guess, “Wanting some exercise or time to connect?”

3.  Share the “yes” before the “no”.  When you say no to a request you are saying yes to other needs getting met.  The word no can create a sense of rejection or disconnect pretty quickly.  Rather than saying the word no, express the needs to which you are saying yes.  Using the example about asking for a walk you might say, “Right now I notice I am feeling tired and needing some rest.  How about I take a nap after dinner and then walk with you for 20 minutes before bed?”

4.  Practice with Little Requests.  You can help requests to become a regular part of your relationship by letting yourself get playful with little requests that are easy for you to make.

4.  Ask each other.  Take some time to share what else specifically creates safety for each of you.  You might be surprised at how easy it can be to contribute to a sense of safety for your partner.

Take a few moments now to connect with a need and request you can express to your partner today.

Emergency Measures for Escalating Arguments

Once the swirl of an argument starts, it can be difficult to find your way back to connection. You might feel angry and scared and want to protect needs for understanding, respect, and consideration. Habit energy can be like a runaway semi truck going downhill. The brakes burn out and you find yourself sliding into defending, attacking, or blaming.

Growing up in the Colorado mountains, runaway truck ramps were a common sight. At the bottom of a steep downgrade a runaway truck could suddenly swerve off onto an immediate steep uphill made of layers of loose gravel the truck could sink into.

Here are some runaway truck ramps to help you downshift into NVC consciousness when you feel like you are sliding out of control:

Ask Questions that help identify Needs:

• “What’s most important to you (to me) right now?”
• “There is something here we really care about. What is it?”
• “What am I (are you) afraid of losing?”
• “What is the part you really want me to understand?”
• “What am I trying to get to here?”

Create Space

• “Give me a minute to process what you said”
• “Hang on, let me go to the bathroom and come back.”
• “You said (repeat what the other just said)”
• “I’d like to take a 20 minute time-out and come back.”

Name Your Feeling

• “I feel disconnected”
• “I’m reacting.”
• “I’m nervous right now”
• “I feel defensive.”
• “My heart is racing.”
• “I’m going fuzzy.”

Name What’s Happening

• “I notice I just blamed you.”
• “I’m defending myself.”
• “I’m thinking you are judging me.”
• “I’m repeating myself.”
• “My voice is getting louder.”
• “I’m talking more quickly.”
• “I’m moving away from you.”

Use Pattern Interrupts

• “How about a glass of water?”
• Howl like a Jackal
• Say something you are grateful for
• Take the conversation to another room or go outside
• Plan a sign or keyword with the other person to signal you are in disconnect

This week, notice when you move from disconnect to connection within yourself or with others. Write down what you did to make that shift. Create your own list of runaway truck ramps.

Helpful Time-outs

In a recent couples’ workshop, a participant said, “After so many years together we have learned to take a time-out before we say things we regret, but when we come back together we’re still angry. Nothing has changed.”

If you and your partner are entering jackal land, it can save a lot of hurt if one of you can call a time-out and disengage. This is even more useful if you have a standing agreement about calling time-outs and returning to check-in after a certain amount of time. Unfortunately just time away doesn’t particularly change anything, as the workshop participant mentioned. For the time-out to be helpful, it’s important to reflect on the situation in a way that creates clarity and connection. Below is a series of steps to support you in having helpful timeouts.

Time-out Reflection Steps

1. Name your jackals.

2. Distinguish what actually happened from what you made it mean.  That is, make a clear observation.

3. Name your feelings and needs.

4. Guess your partner’s feelings and needs.

5. Write down your feelings and needs and your guess about your partner’s feelings and needs.

Let’s look at these steps in an example. Chris and Mercedes are driving home from the movie. Chris says, “Turn left here.” Mercedes responds, “No, I’m just going to take this way home.” Chris says, “Can’t you just go the back way.” Mercedes responds, “Can’t I just go this way!” The conversation escalates into a fight about Chris “being controlling” and Mercedes “being aggressive and defensive”.

Chris and Mercedes angrily go their separate ways that night knowing they have plans to hang out the next day.

Chris uses the time-out steps to reflect on the experience:

1. My jackals are saying: Mercedes is aggressive and inconsiderate. She doesn’t care what I need and just has to prove she is in control. She is always blowing up at me. She should think about someone besides herself.

2. What happened? I asked her to take the back way and she told me to “back off”. What did I make that mean? She doesn’t care about me. She doesn’t understand what I need.

3. What are my feelings and needs? I am angry because I am still caught in my jackal show thinking about what she should and shouldn’t have done. Let me take a few deep breaths and see if I can slow down my body and mind. What’s underneath the anger? I am feeling hurt and frustrated because I need caring and understanding. When I asked her to make that turn I was feeling anxious and needed peace and I thought taking the back way would be more peaceful.

4. What might be Mercedes’ feelings and needs? Maybe she was feeling embarrassed in front of our friend and wanted trust and acceptance.

Mercedes uses the time-out steps to reflect on the experience:

5. My jackals are saying: Chris just wants to control everything. She has got to have everything her way. She doesn’t respect me when I drive.

6. What happened? Chris asked me to take the back way in three different ways. I told her to “back off”. What did I make that mean? She doesn’t trust me. She thinks I am incompetent. She’s judging me.

7. What are my feelings and needs? Right now I am feeling resentful because I am thinking to myself that she should trust me. That’s another jackal. I feel angry and disrespected. Oh, that is still jackal. Disrespected isn’t a feeling, it’s my interpretation of what I think she was doing. Underneath that I feel hurt and frustrated because I need acceptance and trust. In the car I was feeling scared and needing acceptance.

8. What might be Chris’ feelings and needs? In asking me to take the other way, maybe she was feeling tired or sick and just wanted rest. Maybe she wanted to do something that involved going that way.

Let’s say Chris is the one to start the conversation the next day. Chris might start by offering Mercedes empathy. (This is where it is important to have both people’s feelings and needs written down).

Chris: I was thinking about last night. I am guessing maybe you were feeling embarrassed in front of our friend and just wanted acceptance and trust. Is that right?

Mercedes: (Let’s pretend Mercedes didn’t do the time-out steps) Yea, why do you always have to control everything!

(Here Chris is tempted to defend herself. If she does, they will be fighting again. Instead she sticks to feelings and needs).

Chris: You want trust for your driving and respect for your decisions.

Mercedes: Yea, why can’t you trust me?!

(Here it might be easy for Chris to take the bait and slip into lawyer mode and convince Chris of how much she does trust her. Instead she sticks to feelings and needs).

Chris: It’s really painful for you to imagine that I don’t trust you.

(Mercedes softens and begins to cry. Chris sits silently allowing Mercedes to connect with her own feelings and needs. Mercedes looks up and with curiosity and pain asks a question).

Mercedes: Do you trust me?

Chris: When I asked you to make that turn there was nothing up for me about trusting you. What was up for me was a lot of anxiety and I needed some relief and peace. I thought taking the back way would help me calm down.

Mercedes: Oh, I didn’t know you were feeling anxious.

Chris: I feel anxious a lot of the time.

Mercedes: Is there something I could do to help meet your need for peace now?

Chris: Having quiet time together really helps. No TV, no laptop, no cell phones.

Mercedes: Okay let’s set aside a couple of nights this week for quiet time.

Chris: Thanks, that would be great. What about your need for acceptance, how can I help you meet that?

Mercedes: Just letting me know what you appreciate. It really helps to hear when you are enjoying me or something I am doing.

Chris: Okay, I can do more of that. I will make it a point to share at least two appreciations with you each day for the next week.

It would be easy here for either Chris or Mercedes to jump to a request around the next time they are in the car together. Something like: “Next time tell me you are anxious before telling me where to turn.” While this would likely be helpful it may or may not be do-able and it doesn’t address the needs in the moment. Effective requests arise directly out of the needs in the moment.

This week write these steps down on a wallet size card. Carry them with you and pull them out when you experience a conflict.

There are just a couples spaces left in the One Day Couples workshop.  Register now if you would like to join us

Information in Celebration

It’s hard to emphasize enough how helpful celebration of needs met can be.  Couples often come to me wanting skills and understanding regarding their problems.  I offer this and it helps and at the same time I notice that they are also meeting a lot of needs for each other, but missing out on the important information meeting needs provides.

This week a woman in a couple expressed a celebration.  She said her partner was just more there, softer.  I asked her to get specific about what he said or did that gave her that sense.  It took a few minutes before she could remember what happened.  Finally she said to her partner, “This week I noticed that when I said something as you were passing by you stopped and turned to look at me as I talked.”  I then asked her to name the needs that were met when he did this.  The list was long:  support, collaboration, communion, being heard, connection, and love. 

Her partner was surprised hearing how many needs got met in his simple willingness to stop and listen when she spoke.  I offered that knowing what simple things they do that meets needs is an invaluable resource in times of stress when other more elaborate ways of loving each other aren’t happening. 

In addition, identifying and celebrating these simple things daily builds a foundation of connection and partnership every day.

Here are some simple street giraffe ways to celebrate little things throughout the day:

-Thanks, that gives me a sense of support and caring.

-I sure do soak up that affection.  It helps me feel relaxed.

-I really get that you hear me when you say it back like that.

-Wow, you remembered I needed a bag lunch tomorrow.  I feel so taken care of.

-When you get home and come straight to find me for a hug, my heart fills up cuz I know I am loved.

This week challenge yourself to do at least one celebration of needs met with someone close to you.  Remember it can be as simple as one sentence like the examples above.  The most important part is to include the specific behavior, the needs it met for you, and the feelings that were present.

If you have ever worked with, lived with, or been on a team with a group of people for more than a few days, you have likely found yourself frustrated, irritated, and exasperated over how someone isn’t doing what they are “suppose to” be doing.  You have an idea about how things should go so that everyone’s needs are met and sure enough someone is not doing it that way.

You might be tempted to review the rules with that person and give a reminder about his or her particular responsibilities. The underlying thought likely sounds something like this, “If I just tell him enough times about what to do he will do it.” You assume here that this person has a need for information and clarity; that it was this lack of clarity that caused him or her to behave that way.

When you have been in a group for a while, it’s unlikely that someone has not received the information they need about roles and rules.  So when you approach someone with irritation and a reminder about rules you are likely to encounter resistance in one form or another.

People naturally want to behave in a way that works for everyone when they feel connected  and when there is a sense of acceptance and caring in the group.  Building rapport and relationship rather than reviewing rules creates the collaboration you are seeking.

Building rapport most often starts with you.  If you find yourself irritated in reaction to someone’s behavior, the first thing is to give yourself some empathy.  Name the irritation and ask yourself what need is not being met for you.  Here are some questions that can help you access needs:

-What’s most important to me here?

-What do I long for?

-What do I really care about?”

Getting connected to the energy of your needs releases you from the contracted state of irritation.

Once you are reconnected with yourself you have space to get curious about your co-worker, family member, housemate, or teammate.  You might guess at what could be going on in his or her world that would contribute to the behavior you have difficulty with.  You might make some guesses at feelings and needs alive for him or her.

You also could give some attention to what this person is doing that does meet needs for you.  It’s easy to forget that there may be plenty of times when you are not irritated or even pleased.  You can create rapport in these situations by acknowledging what is working well for you, what you appreciate.

When there is connection and genuine appreciation of the other, you can approach the difficult situation with genuine curiosity and caring.  In this atmosphere difficulties tend to clarify and resolve naturally.

Take a moment now to reflect on someone in your community you react to with irritation.  Notice the jackal show regarding him or her.  Set your jackals aside long enough to follow the steps outlined above.