The Relationship Score Card

Have you ever felt confused about the difference between maintaining a sense of mutuality and keeping a score card about who met what needs when in the relationship?

When you are first learning Compassionate Communication (NVC), it is important to get specific about naming observations, feelings, needs, and requests.  Doing this decreases reactivity, supports self-responsibility, and provides clarity and connection.  Unfortunately, learning to be specific can sometimes get transferred to a different kind of specific all together.

When you notice yourself, keeping a tally of how many things you did for your partner and how many things s/he did for you or saying if-then statements like, “if you listen to me, then I will listen to you; you are moving out of the NVC consciousness.

The point of NVC is not to get your partner to meet your needs.  The point is to create a quality of connection that inspires a natural giving from the heart.

NVC is based on the assumption that, in our hearts, we all want to contribute to life.

My guess is that the number one reason you start a relationship score card is that you are attempting to meet your partner’s needs from a place of obligation, avoiding conflict, fear of not being loved, desire to win approval, or from feelings of guilt.  Acting from any of these means you have lost connection with your own heart and your need to contribute.

Here are some ways you can find your way back to a truly mutual relationship rather than a relationship score card.

-Take a look at your thinking. Are there jackals lurking about?  They might sound something like this:  “My partner should . . . “, “S/he gets to do that and I don’t.”, “S/he never (always) . . . “
-Check in with your own needs. Have you been sacrificing your needs?  If so, how can you begin to meet your needs more consistently, whether in or outside of the relationship?
-Shift your focus from unmet needs to met needs:
-Make a list of the needs that are met in your life right now and what you did that helped make that possible.
-Take time each day to tell your partner what you appreciate about them (how they are meeting needs).
-Take time to look at your partner from a distance.  That is, remember to see them outside of the role of “your partner” (someone who is supposed to meet your needs) and as a whole person in their right.  It might be helpful to remind yourself of their individuality, personal history, challenges, strengths, values, passions, etc.

This week when you feel yourself starting to keep score, take a breath and ask for a timeout so that you can find your way back to your heart.

*click here for a list of feelings and universal needs and an empathy guide.  http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/resources.php

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