Have you ever heard yourself saying something like, “If only I can be more accepting, he will change.” Or “If only I listen more, then she will be more loving.” ?
Tragically, I have been witness to the fallout of this kind of thinking and pattern in my own relationships and in many of the couples I with whom I work. Holding the idea that you can change someone, who is not asking for change, by behaving in some special way, eventually leads to exhaustion and resentment.
While I know that there are myriad causes and conditions that give rise to this pattern, Here are two I have witnessed and experienced myself.
One, your partner seems to make a mysterious change for the worse. Perhaps there is a sudden weight gain or loss. Perhaps the symptoms of depression start to appear. Maybe s/he starts to get “short-tempered”. When you inquire about this change and your partner has no insight about it, you are motivated to work to get your healthy partner back. This is often where the “If only I …” mind can begin.
Another condition that might give rise to this mind is when your “pleaser”* coping strategies meet your partner’s “victim”** coping strategies. It might sound something like this:
Your partner says: Do you really need to go to that party? I feel lonely, won’t you stay with me?
You say: Oh, I don’t want you to feel bad, I will stay.
In essence your partner doesn’t have the skills and consciousness to take responsibility and express feelings and needs directly. In absence of this, s/he attributes responsibility to you. This gets expressed in subtle and not so subtle ways. This pattern is further supported by the structure of blame in our own language. Examples are: “You disappointed me, you let me down, you make me mad, you hurt my feelings,” etc.
Take a moment now and reflect on any relationships where you might have been in the “If only I were different, s/he would change” thinking. Give your self empathy around this situation by naming the feelings and needs that come up for when you see the other’s difficulty. How can you take of your needs in a way other than trying to get the other person to change?
*Pleaser strategies involve trying to meet needs by attending to others’ needs. Often this strategy originally arises in childhood in an emotionally or physically violent context in which you are trying to meet a need for safety and harmony by pleasing your parents.
**Victim strategies involve trying to meet needs by appearing helpless or in pain. Often this strategy originally arises in childhood in which neglect is prevalent and you must find some way of getting your parent’s attention to meet needs or at the very least deflect responsibility so you don’t get punished.
click here for a list of feelings and universal needs and an empathy guide. http://www.wiseheartpdx.org/resources.php
Yes, I have gone through this. I hear this idea a lot as “If one person shifts in the relationship, often the other person does too”.
It does seem to sometimes happen that way, but that statement, by itself, is unhelpful because it still suggests thinking in terms of manipulating the situation - changing so the other person changes. Which of course doesn’t work at all, because an actually healthy “shift” is toward *not controlling*. Trying to change so your partner changes is more of the same manipulation/codependence/controlling etc.
So I find that I have to keep myself in the state of mind of: “If I work on my own stuff, and my own boundaries, that will probably change the dynamics of our relationship. But I am doing it for me and my own well-being…and how my partner shifts (or not) is not up to me and not about me.”
I like the concept of relationship as a mirror - as in, if I work on myself, then I’ll see a better reflection. I.E. what you give out, you get back, etc. It’s just key to center the locus of change in yourself and remember that you are changing for you, and that’s all the control you will ever have.
On a separate topic - is there a list somewhere of strategies like Pleaser, Victim, that is written in terms of NVC? Or maybe it would make a good Gem. I’ve seen the concepts in other work but I like the NVC framing.
Yea, sounds like you are mentioning the positive version of this mindstate - getting more clear yourself attracts folks with similar clarity into your life or helps someone you are in relationship shift.
Looks like you have some helpful strategies around keeping yourself grounded in this framework.
Hmm, not sure about other writing regarding pleaser, victim strategies specifically, but you might find some similiar information with the google search on “character types”. Yes, might make a good gem. I will sit with that.
Emma & LaShelle,
You might be interested in the work of Drs. Hal and Sidra Stone. They have developed a practice called voice dialog based on the “Psychology of Selves”. It is not overtly NVC but definitely fits and deals with characters within us like the judge, the critic, the victem, etc. etc.
Yes, I am familiar with their work. This model is used frequently at Great Vow Zen Monastery where I lived for a year. They have a voice dialogue workshop there each year.